just like titanic

8:30am: i have updated my website. and i bought a huge amount of bristol vellum, ink, and new brushes. so in saying this, i doubt very much that i will be posting in livejournal anymore. I set myself up with too high of an expectation, and forgot how many people were all over me anytime i say anything online. this journal was suposed to help me, it was suposed to be to some degree "theraputic"....when really in all reality, writing anything in this journal really aided my regression into being the person that i do not want to be.

but certainly do not hold me to this, there may come a time when i am more comfortable writing online. and when the time comes, i will probably just come back to here (cause quite frankly, its easy). but i do not see that coming any time soon.

2:03pm:

holy shit, i remembered how to draw. birthday suprises are everywhere.

8:34am: so, we made a deal. i am "working" 9-5 everyday now at myself, working as a "professional" artist. this only started yesterday, and i spent the whole day coinverting and uploading all the new images for the website, working on flight 3, and doing some other illustration work. honestly i did more work yesterday than i have in six months....it feels good. hopefully i will have the site done in a few days. i stupidly decided to try and watercolor again for the front image, and had to scrap it....so i guess that is what i will be doing until my "lunch break". i just wish the office supplied more soda.

today is my birthday, rachel and i ended up waking up late so she had to rush out the door. i havent been to my therapist in a month, and this week was supposed to be the week that i went back. normally my appointment is at 2 on tuesdays, but i just dont feel like going in and talking about how much i fucked up my life on my birthday....i would imagine that that is understandable.

the birthday fairy brought me a magical birthday gift from birthday land. i was sitting down to type this when i heard an awful noise...a familiar awful noise, and noticed that the dog and cats were freaking out about something. much to my suprise there was a cicada on my living room floor, alive, and unhappy about being fucked with by our pets. i picked him up and let him free out on the porch......i dunno, it just seemed like i was supposed to find him today, which is a though pattern which i have never really been a big fan of. when i was growing up my birthday was always the hottest day of the year, and i would stand on the deck of my parents house and the sounds of the cicadas coming from the woods around me would be deafening...little dude traveled along way to wish me a good birthday.

12:00pm: this is stupid. i had made a promise not to delete any posts, because in the past i have regretted it...so i am not going to delete what i posted, im just not going to read any of the comments attatched with it. just know than when you send me comments and emails telling me extremely personal things, that are obviously meant for my eyes only....that that is extremely innapropriate(?) if you ask me...i dont want to read these things, i dont want to know these things, i am not your "friend"....never want to be, never will be, and i would hope the same from your side. i guess just the real heartbreaking part of it to me is what i said before, about no one saying one single thing about rachel....it just doesnt make any sense to me.

i have a mac, with photoshop, a working scanner/printer/camera, and have figured out how to convert all of my paintshoppro files from my PC to photoshop files on my mac. I now have absolutely no excuses for not doing any work.

ps: rachel came back over two weeks ago.

12:56am: it has come crashing to my attention the fact that people actually do comment on this journal. i was under the assumption that messages from "non friends" would be forwarded to me through email...when in fact no, they would just show up here waiting for me to sign on and read my own comments. so i guess, this is a preface to what is to come:

yes, i am writing this to YOU the "concerned" reader...and i am sure someone reading this will think "well i didn't say anything like that" but please remember that much like myself, you could not read other people's comments on here either. so needless to say, i have no fucking clue what in god's name is wrong with people. I have not one shred of understanding what people are thinking, and i think this time more than others i am literally awestruck by the absurdity of people. i have stated clearly (so many times) that i am writing this for myself, not for you, not for entertainment, and that i do not care about comments...and quite frankly, do not really care what you have to say (this comment is not wide spread, please read on further for clarification). Not only that, i do not believe that i as a "blogger" or whatever the fuck you would call it should have to state things like "i am not writing this for you, please dont comment about anything stupid"...but that what i am saying on its own is telling you that how you are "replying" is ridiculous considering that it is completely contrary to what i have been talking about.

clarification on earlier comment: I do not mind all comments, not in the least bit. i appreciate a lot of comments, find many pleasing, helpful, honest....this situation occurs...maybe 1 out of every 100 comments. The rest of the time i am talking about serious, honest things....things that i need to talk about, things that i set up this live journal so i could "talk" about....so they wouldnt get bottled up inside until i freaked out and punched someone, and then someone comes tooling along and comments "cool dude, awesome work. psychologists suck!"...yeah, well...thats all fine and dandy...but really, in the long run...well, go fuck yourself kid. if my work really means that much to you, send me an email...maybe commission me to do some thing for like 50 bucks, so i can make some money and dont have to work some shitty job where i wont have any time to do any of this work anymore and wont have to be so fucking miserable constantly about my work thinking "well fuck, what good am i as an artist when my only fans are fucking 15 year old freak shows", cause really in all reality thats the case. and if you want to tell me i dont appreciate "fans", it depends quite heavily on what "fans" you are talking about, but in most cases youd be right...maybe when i was like 17-18 some person saying "hey awesome work dude" would really make my day....times have changed, im trying to make a name for myself, get a decent job, make some fucking money so i dont have to worry about what the fuck i am going to eat the next day.....so if you really want to show your appreciation for my work, fucking hire me to do something.

continuation part b: and by the way, psychologists dont suck "man"....psychologists (a good amount of them atleast) are phenomenaly smart, open, honest, amazing people......i know this better than the majority of people you will meet. The therapist i had, had some differences in beliefs than i do....and when i say this i dont mean he thought i should be doing this, and i thought i shouldn't be...i mean "beliefs". "beliefs" that in my book could be considered mal-practice....so really if you think psychologists suck, then either you are lying and have never been to one, or you have gone to one and are to fucking mentally stuck up to let yourself fucking loosen up....and in either case, as well as almost every case...go fuck yourself, because "psycologists sucking" was really not up for debate, and if you were looking for one...here is not where you would find it.

continuation part c: so probably my favorite part of all of this (and definitely rachel's favorite part)....is that with all of the comments that were sent to me, not a single one mentioned my girlfriend....basically every single post from me is about how i fucked up this or that with my GIRLFRIEND, or how my GIRFRIEND was out of town, or how i missed my GIRLFRIEND, or how i hope i could fix things so me and my GIRLFRIEND could be happy....and really, in all honestly i have no fucking clue what that is about. every single fucking post of mine has something to do with rachel, etc....if there was ANYTHING for anyone to comment on, it was that...and no one fucking did. what the fuck is that? thats why i am writing these god damned journal entries, and none of you fucking people can say anything about it? then why the fuck are you commenting? is it the fact that you people are creep shows and ignoring the fact that i have a girlfriend entirely? is it the fact that a majority of you people are under the age of 16 and have absolutely no clue what a serious relationship is or is about and therefore really have nothing to comment about in the first place?

"need to remember that things are going to be all right, that things will settle down and everything will play out just fine....more than fine, perfect. i just need to remember this. i need to stop freaking out, i need to stop thinking the worst. the worst is non-existant...i need to just give in to the realization, that yes...infact things DO change, and for the better. i can only remember a few times where things actually changed for the better. this will be one of them....this will be the best. when you say "its for the best", that means it has purpose...that means there is an attainable goal....i just need to remember that.

one week, two weeks, three weeks, a thousand years,"

probably me at my lowest moment, probably the most important things i have said in six months....guess what, no body commented. no body had anything to say. i am not fucking entertaining you - i am begging for fucking help...and no one could say anything....cause it didn't apply to them, cause it didn't allow them an outlet to tell me some fucking ridiculous story about lying that was probably a lie in the first place that i didn't really even give a fuck about, cause it didn't have some drawing attached to it that anyone could leave some inane comment about or download to print on some god damned iron on t-shirt, or fucking rip off in some way, or get tattooed on there fucking face.

but really, in the long run where is my surprise in all of this? i mean really, how could any one expect some common human decency out of another person? for christ's sake...thats too much to ask! When it all comes down to it it works like this....every two years a new group of people cycle in....usually female, 16 or younger, who expect all of this tolerance out of me...all of this give, and return...and when i dont give it i become the "asshole", and then they disappear and 2 years later a whole another group of people come to the realization that yes, in all honesty i really do not give a fuck about them.

how the hell am i supposed to give a fuck about them? do you really think i believe that you "care" about me....that you like anything about me other than the way i draw? hey, well guess what...im just like you...im nothing inspirational, nothing impresive....im just some fucking kid who got lucky and can draw every once in a while....im still just as fucked up, i still have to pay rent, i still can barely afford to eat, i still really have fucked up my life, have little to no self-initiative, no social conduct, have basically erased any version of a friend out of my life, still constantly sick because i get no nutrition / barely eat once a day / chain smoke constantly / spent a good 60 percent of my life cutting myself out of some hope for acknowledgment / take absolutely no care of myself what-so-ever.

i really dont even know what to say at this point...i had so much more to say when i was lying in bed awake with my girlfriend asleep next to me who is uncomfortable around me because of how disgustingly violent and awful i can be...but when i got up to type this, i cant even remember half of what i was thinking. when i was reading these comments my stomach turned...i was disgusted with the complete lack of empathy. fuck, in the long run i was probably just expecting what couldn't be served to me, isn't that what all my problems are about....fucking being let down by my high expectations?

so probably in the end you are thinking "well why should i give a shit about what you are saying when its ever so clear that you dont care what i am saying?" i cant answer that for you....though i can say, i never pretended to care....never once have i pretended to give a shit when in all reality i couldn't give a flying fuck....im well over pretending to be what i am not. I think that the fact that you have read this journal in the first place is proof that you cared, or atleast pretended to care...so why not follow through with it? and maybe thats what this is all about.....the years of getting emails and comments from people who really didn't give a fuck about me as a person, finally have added up.

maybe i am arrogant, im certainly an asshole. maybe i am heartless, uncaring, self-absorbed....i think i have earned this right by this point. i have put up with enough to ask for something in return.

in the end, if this post irritated you at all...go fuck yourself, because you certainly havent taken anything else i have said to heart up to this point, so why would you start now? For the love of god dont comment unless it is...nice? helpful? intelligable? i dont even know what the word would be...and i certainly cant ask people to use there own discretion, because look where that put us. if you have commented so far on this website know this...chances are it a: irritated me, b: disgusted me, c: upset my girlfriend, d: made me question why i ever put anything personal online in the first place, e: all of the above. i would hope after reading this that anyone who was thinking at all would be able to see what i am looking for, and what i am going for with this live journal. i dont really talk to anyone other than rachel, i have absolutely no output of emotion....this leads me into situations that are terrible, where people end up getting hurt, and i end up adding guilt upon guilt onto myself....i am writing this to help myself, to help my relationship, to hopefully lead myself to happiness for once. any comments that would be supportive, helpful, honest...anything like that are appreciated....when i poste like 4 things in a row about how i really fucked up and now rachel has left, and i miss her alot...a comment like "hey, that really sucks...im sorry to hear about that, i hope you are holding together okay"...that would be nice, and not to much to ask for...that would be what i would give to someone that i didnt know.

hey, well fuck....maybe ill just delete comments all together. i guess i was just a little more hopefull than that.

more clarification after recieving comments on this post: my statement of not caring about comments was aimed entirely at...well, comments that from my point of view werent supposed to be cared about. i do indeed care about some comments, i am just stating that i wish there were more to care about....and in saying this i am not saying "i wish there were more comments". i guess the fact that the majority of this is a waste of time is being proven to me over and over again.

4:12pm: i now have DSL, and tomorrow i will have a new computer. My excuses for not updating my site in over a year are quickly drying up.

tomorrow, carolynn, kyle and myself are driving to st. louis after carolynn gets off of work. that means rachel, that means cheddar cheese balls, that means possibly injuring myself in a dark steel tube. All of these things i am very happy about, i just hope all of these things are very happy about me.

i was told that my livejournal is too hard to read. both physically and...mentally? emotionaly? i am notgoing to guess. either way, no one has to be reading this. im not writing it for you.

my birthday is in a few weeks. i keep forgetting, no one seems to be too pleased about it. want to buy me something? i dont even know what i would do with that...i think it might turn into a life long staring contest...i just dont know if i would want his eye patch up or down if such contest insued.

8:31pm: i sat out on the porch until it got dark. evenings out here are better than i can really ever remember. tonight was really no different, a quiet ending to a nothing-day.

it was 97 degrees out today, with humidty in the 70's....too hot to really do anything. my cigaretted are all mushed out by the humidity and my ink gets shot when its like this out...so really, no way of getting any work done...like there was any work to be done in the first place.

tomorrow i will be depositing 900+ into my bank account, thanks to kyle's lack of a debit card, and the sale of a drawing that i didnt even want anymore. its nice to have the money, you know...but i dont have anything to spend it on...or anyone to spend it on...5 dollar hamburger lunches are the apex of my spending anymore.

i talked last time about things i need to do...i dont really know if i can talk about that anymore. i'm really for lack of a better term...stuck. i mean really, at this point what the fuck is there really for me to do. i can ride it out, i know...but that might just end up a mess. maybe this was all just a horrible idea...maybe i should have moved back to bloomington, or moved to a studio apartment...or maybe she should have gone at all, or maybe none of this shouldnt have happened in the first place...the latter, i would bet my life on.

im still sleeping on the left side of the bed, protecting myself from waking up and realizing that rachel isnt there. i am using the term "sleeping" too lightly...i have been reading until 5-6 in the morning, and then forcing myself to ignore the sound of the air-conditioner 5 inches away from my head as i try to fall asleep...just to wake up with my alarm at 8. so a few hours of sleep a night, i mean....ive done alot worse. ALOT worse...but this lack of sleep, lack of food, lack of everything really seems to be hitting me harder than ever before. even if i wanted to get out and do something, i dont really have the energy to do it. maybe its the heat...maybe its just everything.

this has all just turned awful. its like the night that rachel never came home...the same feeling, the same everything....just stretched out into days, weeks...all those feelings back then, they dissapeared the next day when she came walking in the door...now, they just pile up onto each other. she's not walking in the door, shes not coming in the front gate, and shes certainly not sleeping next to me. i mean, i know she is coming back....i dont exactly know when, but she is certainly coming back....but how the hell am i supposed to react? it seems like i have been in this apartment alone forever, when in all reality its barely been over a week.

i guess in all honesty i am writing this for her to read, but i really doubt that she'll even bother in the long run. she has things to do, you know? i mean really, its pretty awful to think that anyone spends time reading this....let alone someone who left to get away from my bullshit.

i have come to the conclusion that the last 1/3 of Spirit of Eden terrifies the fuck out of me, it scares me because of what it is...and what it makes me remember. it seems like a really long time ago that i was listening to FSOL at full volume in the dark of my mother's house (or really, parent's house)...when in all actuality, it wasnt that long ago...it was just before the lying actually meant something, before the lying caught up with me, before friends even mattered (hell, i'd see them the next day at school right?), before my dad passed, i guess before anything meant anything to me......its weird to think that a span of 5-6-7 years can feel like a completely different planet entirely.

ps: there are coffins in my basement, and i dont mean this in a "skeletons in my closet" sort of way.

7:49pm:

i have never once cried after reading a letter, never once in my entire over-emotional life. i guess the times are changing.

i need to remember that things are going to be alright, that things will settle down and everything will play out just fine....more than fine, perfect. i just need to remember this. i need to stop freaking out, i need to stop thinking the worst. the worst is non-existant...i need to just give in to the realization, that yes...infact things DO change, and for the better. i can only remember a few times where things actually changed for the better. this will be one of them....this will be the best. when you say "its for the best", that means it has purpose...that means there is an attainable goal....i just need to remember that.

one week, two weeks, three weeks, a thousand years,

10:04pm: i have been alone in the apartment since late friday morning, and will continue to be here alone atleast until the last weekend of july. i thought i would be fine you know? i thought i would be able to handle it, and would find plenty of things to occupy my time....i go to bed alone, i wake up alone...i try and sleep on the left side of the bed, so that i dont wake up in the middle of the night and realize that rachel is not there.

i unpacked and set up my desk, so atleast i can do some work...problem is, i cant really think of anything to do. i have done some things for rachel...but who knows if she will even like them. the whole zombie comic...it seems like i dont even have enough to start writing anything down....hopefully things will pick up soon?

its hot everywhere....we have two air conditioners....but i have yet to put them in any windows, so i guess i dont have much room to complain. other than the heat, and the fact that the toilet never stops flushing, and that the refrigerator door doesnt shot, and that the broiler door on the oven stays open and the kitchen smells constantly of gas...other than all of those things, the new apartment is nice...more than nice. it's just what i always wanted...and what we always wanted. so...i get to just sit here, alone...too stubborn to put an airconditioner in a window.

the only plus side of rachel being in st. louis is that i have been subtracted from the formula of drama. no body calls me, no one emails me, and nobody stops by (or can stop by really). and i mean, thats good for me....i am supposed to be getting my shit together, and in alot of ways am getting my shit together. this boredome will eventually force me into getting myself employed...and REAL employed...not bullshit employed. this alone time will work out for the best i imagine...just right now, its...well awful. i mean really, what happens if you dont shave for a month?

i saw this informercial last night....like 200 greatest country hits of the 60's and 70's...i do not think this would be a good idea for me to purchase.

4:34pm: i briefly forgot the minor engagement i had made to myself a few weeks ago that i was going to write in here as often as i could...and look, almost a week gone by and i havent said a fucking word....and knowing me, even with all this keyboard clatter i wont even say a fucking word.

George Romero is an idiot (and a dick). you would think that after making a brilliant movie like Night of the Living Dead, and then having someone really school you in a remake of your own film (Dawn of the Dead, NOT notld) that you would learn from your mistakes and actually make a decent movie...but no.

with the breif haulting on the work of Dog's Day End, and my complete irriation with zombie movies in general i have half-heartedly begun the workings of a new story/book/project....nothing deffinet, and nothing really good yet...but something for the future atleast. i came up with an idea, that would be able to encompass my desire for a horror comic, along with answering my own questions after every zombie movie of "well why didnt they do this?" as well as making my ever looming "dead dad comic" realized. yeah....well, hard to explain....but i guess in short its a zombie comic, where the characters of the story have actual emotional attatchment to the returned...or the living dead, or the whatever....not really zombies, but dead all the same. i am excited...more excited than i have been from something i have come up with on my own in a very very long time.

in other movie news, i learned last night that yes...ray charles was an asshole.

things are going well. we move on friday....our house looks like a bomb shelter, and the cats are freaking out, but atleast the majority of our stuff is packed. Matt and Jen had some trouble with U-haul on saturday, and i dont know of Smoot had trouble with u-haul on sunday....but i hope to god we dont have trouble with them on friday, thats really the last thing we need.

last night was unexpected and nice, something to look forward to i guess. something to be happy about.

my meeting with my counseler/phsychologist/shrink/prostitute of the mind last week was...well, dissapointing. i go there to talk right? i go there to ask questions? or to be asked questions? i dont know what the hell i am supposed to do there, and i can tell you one thing....he certainly doesnt play his part of the game very well. the good 2 minutes of just staring at each other after i walked in was rather unpleasent....the least he could have said was "how are things going"....i feel pretty uncomforatable saying "well this is how things are going doc..". he hasnt told me anything i dont know, he hasnt done anything that has suprised me, he hasnt really done ANYTHING....thank god im not paying for this.

11:14am: less than two weeks before we move, and what is packed? well...barely anything. and i will be packing most of it, cause rachel works 6 days a week now and...i guess im not really looking forward to it.

i did something awful to my back...im not really sure what. maybe too much excercise? we went to the grocery store on sunday, and half a block from my house i was like "mother fucker"...and now my back is all gooned up, and i cant really do much of anything. the pain has migrated from my back, to right below my ribcage and now it hurts to breathe. so hopefully this shit will clear up before i need to do some serious packing...i havent done any excercise in 2 days, and already i am feeling like a slug.

i made dinner last night, i dont think rachel was too into it....and half way through it, i wasnt too into it either. gralic stuffed parmesean chicken on wildrice...it seems like a good idea, and took forever to make....but, i guess it really wasnt worth it in the end. i can cook well, i guess....everything just ends up tasting the same because i like garlic too much...and rachel never really complains about my cooking, but i am pretty sure she gets pretty tired of it.

i have a therapy appointment today at 2...im not really looking forward to it, and i skipped out on my appt last week. i have no faith in my therapist...or maybe not no faith, but in the long run i dont think he really gives a shit. which i guess could be a good thing or a bad thing. but either way, i have no idea what i am going to go in there and whine about today, so i hope atleast he asks some questions other than "why didnt you come last week." ever since i check "yes" on the "have you ever done physical harm to yourself on purpose" box on the fucking survey, no one in that place will look me in the eye, they just stare at my arms and wrists...which, certainly doesnt help this whole "mental healing" process.

i feel kind of stuck with drawing right now...like i dont want to do the whole single piece pinup shit that i always do, because i feel like its not getting me anywhere...but i also feel like im not really ready to just dive into the comic with finished pages yet....and i guess really in the long run i should be packing anyway.

i dont really have anything else to say....sorry about the whole comments thing...ill figure it out sooner than later i imagine, i just feel really uncertain about alot of things right now i guess.

10:45am: romney's kendal mint cake is by far the best candy/snack thing ever made. i am almost done with my white one, and still have the brown one (though i am a bit worried about eating that one) i need to figure out a way to get these things shipped from the uk to my door...i dont know if i can stand not having them near me at all times.

rachel ended up going in to work yesterday, so i had some time to do some work and ended up with this:



i guess in alot of ways this is me being happy with a drawing, and not being all "i used to draw better." i think the main key was doing more dry brush work, it really adds something nice. this is kind of the aesthetic that i am trying to work with for the book with brian...not so much the subject, but more so the balance between blacks and whites and a sense of smothering...not only through what is actually drawn, but how the ink is applied...i dont know, whatever, i am happy with it.

so, i have always drawn on bristol vellum...nothing else. i ended up having some bristol smooth lying around, and tried it out...for the first time ever....and, what the fuck have i been thinking all these years? bristol smooth is so much nicer to work on! i think i need to get some new brushes, and maybe some new ink though...my brushes are all lacking in natural oil, and basically scratch the ink onto the paper...and my ink is just getting weird...a combination of time and humidity has fucked it up pretty bad.

i did end up getting the new smog album, and while i havent listened to it all the way through...i must say i am pretty pleased. its stark, and quiet...all the things i love about Red Apple Falls, but far less depressing...and by god its better than Supper. most of the songs reference mountains, rivers, horses, deer, and being burried in wood...and not only that, there is a leadbelly cover...for christ's sake, i dont know if i could be more happy with this album.

we ended up doing a little shopping at the store from which i was banned at the age of 15...we ended up buying rachel a nice "im waiting for my husband to come back from the civil war, while fighting for my land with a musket" dress...i think it looks quite nice on her, she just thought i spent too much money on it. i also ended up buying a hat....i have been on a constant search for a hat recently, and i finally found something that satisfied my hat needs. the hat really adds to my desire of looking like a nazi-youth.

last night turned into a big mess...mostly my fault, for being too quick and too stubborn...and maybe a little too bitter as well. but its better than it was, things are getting better....i havent had my temper flare up in some time, and have been able to subside any anger by just thinking...sensibly? i dont know, thinking and acting the way i have for the last 3 weeks has really made me realize how much of a fucking creep i was before now...well, atleast more so than i had thought then. i hope these efforts of ours end up putting us on top...though, at the moment i really dont know how they couldnt.

one of the main reasons i havent done alot of work recently is the state my piece of shit computer is in...i usually use rachels old mac, but i cant do any image stuff on there. for graduation i had been planning on getting a new mac, but i am waiting until after we move...and we'll probably get dsl too maybe, i dont know. it would be nice to have a computer that didnt shut down if i opened more than one image file....not only that, it would be nice if i had a computer that i didnt have to reformat for it to work with my ipod that has been sitting in it's box for 6 months now.

so, comments might not show up on here....i might just get rid of them entirely...i was never too fond of them, and now they seem a bit silly. i know damnwell that people arent going to post about anything i am talking about...atleast no one ever has in the past. i am writing in here for my own well-being...not to entertain.

5:49am: so this whole excercise thing is....weird? i cant really tell if i am loosing weight or "slimming down" i think its all just some mind trick, because i look in the mirror...and i look thinner, but who knows if i actually am? rachel says i am, but i think she just might be telling me that to make me feel that the exercise is worth while...and when i poke myself where i used to be fat...it still looks fat, and still feels fat....but there is something magical underneath forming...i think it might be that elusice beast known as "muscle".

after my fall from grace so to speak post-flight 2 i havent really done, well anything. i hung up my work for the beans and bagels thing at the beginning of the month, and realized that really i didnt have all that much work done recently. and i was planning to update the site a few months ago....but really nothing new was there to update, and the new work that i did is hanging up at beans and bagels, so its not like i can really update a website? i dont know, but going through my older work inspired me a bit, i have been "trying" to draw...i just keep being disapointed with what i have been doing..."i used to be better" keeps coming up. and now i am thinking, that if i used to be better then i should try to work backwards and stir everything back up so i can be happy with my work....or, go a completely different direction. hopefully a mix of the two.

speaking of websites and such, i put this up today: ghostco.org. its been almost a year since i actually did update, and i figured i would try and disapoint a little more. though, i have been working for almost two months on the new website....i am basically re-working everything to try and make things more...easily accessible? as well as "less easy to rip off" which has become a huge issue in recent months.

i have been working on this image for the new layout: here. which while working on it, i found myself longing to draw the way i use to....but whatever, doing colors can hide anything i dont like on it anyway. inspired by the new comic (see below), hitchcock, and tooooo much winsor mccay for anyone's good.

my current project is the comic with brian, and im not sure where he was going when he wrote it...but i feel as if i can connect with this comic better than anything i have even done in the last five years. its good to be working on something i love, its good to be working with brian, and most importantly its good to be working...on SOMETHING. i have alot of work ahead of me with it, but i am really excited about it....its not going to be like tendergrass where i was saying "this panel sucks, i'll do this at the very end"...and then i would have to rush, and it would look like shit. but the new comic should be something people want to see maybe? i guess it would be considered my "breakout" comic....but i dont feel like it is...i feel like i have been doing this forever, and finally something came along that i was actually interested in. i have this fear that no one has any faith in me when it actually comes to having a finishied project (ie brian, chris, topshelf...etc)...and i guess that is motivational on its own...hey, im going to do this comic, im going to love doing it, i am going to work my ass off, and its going to look good (atleast to me) and i hope in the end, people will appreciate it...and i will feel like i actually DID something for a change.

i finally ended up seeing fahrenheit 9/11 last night. i have made many (very un-educated) complaints about michael moore's work in the past....not so much about him, but more so the veiwers of his movies. i just feared that people were going to immediatly latch on to moore's opinions, beleiving they were god-sent and taking them without a grain of salt because they were NOT the republican conservative veiw...and therefor they were the opinions we the liberal americans should believe in...and that a huge amount of people would consider themselves politicaly active because they saw the movie and agreed that yes, we were getting dicked around. I mean, i have had my moments, but in the long run i am not a very political person...so i dont really have any room to talk...but after seeing the movie, i was glad to see how moore handled it, and i was also glad to see people's reactions of the film....there is no moore saying "this is right, this is wrong"...its more of a "hey look at this"...and its not people saying "fuck, moore is a genious! no one ever thought of this!"....its more of people saying "thank god someone finally said it loud enough". i dont know...i imagine almost everyone has seen this, and my opinions are pretty widespread, and i am probably just wasting my time talking about it...in short, i need to give people more of a chance then i do. not everyone is an idiot out there, i dont know why it has taken me this long to realize this.

i am still not used to this whole journal thing again yet...my brother told me that there was a new smog album out....reviews i have read are mixed, but i will probably end up buying it because i am a sucker...and i will probably end up (if it is bad) arguing that it is not bad until i am blue in the face. but we might go to the record store tonight, rachel said there was something she might like to buy as well...

fun fact: you know how people say that people look like their pets? well, i dont know about that...but i can say that our cat is possibly my emotional twin, he's an anxiety ridden, misanthropic, clumsy jerk of a cat. the fireworks the 9 year old mexicans were shooting in th emiddle of the intersection last night scared him enough to piss in the middle of the floor and then hide for the next hour....but fuck, better him than me.

and in conclusion, happy fucking father's day...i was unfortunate enough to actually remember that it existed this year.

10:01am: a start over?
so basically i havent written a word on the world wide web in over six months. in some ways its gratifying, there are certainly no negatives to it.

but in short, im starting over. i used to have pages upon pages of journal entries about how miserable my life was, and how i hated leaving journal entries....i guess both were true, but at this point i feel that both were rather rediculous and were in need of a start over.

a. my life is not miserable, far from it.

b. if i hated leaving journal entries so much, why did i ever do it?

so to elaborate on a: i have nothing to complain about anymore, i have nothing to be down about. i am moving to a wonderful new apartment, its actually the building i used to live in with chris...the building that i had alot of good times in. at the time of living in this building i wanted nothing more than to be with rachel...so when the option came up of moving into this building WITH rachel and she mentioned that she had felt the same those years ago when i was living there, it seemed like a wonderful thing to do. inititally we were going to move with a "fresh start", and that fresh start has been emphasized a thousand times over by recent interactions...er, actions...and it seems as if there is no way not to have a fresh start. and while moving is a hastle, and an expensive hastle it is something i am extremely looking forward to...im really excited to move at the end of the month.

so what is there to complain about really? im moving into a great new place, i have two weirdo cats and a dog, and an amazing girlfriend, and my "career" is somewhat picking up, i have a project that i am working on (and being paid for) that i am extremely happy about...i dont really have school anymore, our financial problems are slowly but surely working themselves out.

i have decided to start exercising...or more so, doing aerobics to an aerobics video....and while this may seem rather silly, i am actually enjoying it...and feel as if i am gaining alot from it. i have never once been happy with my body image, and as long as i can remember i have been overweight (some times much more than others) and while i have been steadily "not fat" since i moved to chicago, i still am not happy with my physical appearence....so i decided to exercise. and already i am more happy with myself, more happy with my body....a weird thing to be doing (for me atleast), but it seems to be certainly for the better.

in other "health" issues i have been seeing a couceler/therapist/psychologist. yeah, me the kid with absolutely no faith in the school of mental health is seeking "help". its awkward and weird....half the time i feel like i am just whining...but i guess that is what you are supposed to do? I had been considering going for some time, and with rachels motivation and the fact that i dont have to pay to go...it seemed like a good choice. though i must admit it is odd to talk to someone...christ, i havent talked to someone...maybe ever? its odd to tell someone that up until 8 months ago, you lied every time you opened your mouth...to everyone, about everything...not to cover yourself, but just because you could....and they ask "how long have you been lying for?" and your responce is "i dont remember ever not lying"...and they ask "what made you stop lying?" and your responce is "i fell in love, it didnt seem like the right thing to be doing anymore"....i mean really, how am i supposed to explain that? am i supposed to justify it? because i am absolutely sure that it is an impossible thing to justify. and not as if i am coming clean....i just havent really had anyone to come clean to? if that makes sense.

this has been the most honest journal entry i have ever made...and there are lots more things to say, and lots more things to talk about.....but there is alot of time to do that. knowing the past someone will probably leave a comment saying "no one cares what you have to say"...and for once in my life i can reply back, that yeah actually...some people do.